On the lack of discipline

If I were as disciplined as I hope to be, the job would be done early, and then I could delay the delivery to focus on every hobby and fun activity. Right now, I can only hope I wake up early tomorrow and miraculously do the job I’m supposed to. It’s like I can’t control myself—no, I’m certain I can’t. If I could do the things I plan to, I would just do them—isn’t that right? But contrary to that, I procrastinate, and now I have to hope the people at work will take it lightly.

    I wish I were a poet.
    If I were one and lived as one, I wouldn’t need to worry about all those things.
    I could just make my art, earn the bare minimum to survive, and dedicate my life to true love.
    As a poet, I would live in the present and hope for the best.
    I wouldn’t need to worry about the 9-to-6 grind,
    about the next bug, the next feature, the next epic, or the next story.
  

Then things would start making sense. Sometimes I think that procrastination is a hope for me to try another path in life. When I'm on the right track with something, I don't procrastinate. I told myself that if I lose the money I had saved this time, I should do something different in life. I don't know what - be a monk, go live in a commune, or anything that makes me feel alive and not like I'm wasting my soul.

I hope that if that's true, I keep my word and go live the life of a true poet. And if it turns out to be a waste, or turns out to bring glory, so be it. Hoping my procrastination wins against my common sense. Is my destiny to be that crazy homeless person who had everything they needed, and if they could keep a stable mind, would have had a great life?

Maybe this hope I have is just trying to escape while pretending everything is fine - and you know I probably think about this more than anyone. Still, I can't escape the same trap, if it even is a trap. Probably just another cowardly crybaby.

What motivates other people to keep going? Survival instinct? A plan? Hope for a better future? Family? Probably all of those? Is my lack of purpose so overwhelming that it makes me feel insane? Helloooooo, am I really the only one? All my friends have their own problems and struggles, yet they all have their ways of coping - is my escapism so strange that none of them can relate? Am I falling apart? Will this blog turn out to be the final ramblings of a suicidal mind?

Sorry, I think anxiety kicked in while writing that. All that being said, I hope I'm conscious enough to fucking wake up early tomorrow and miraculously do what I need to do, even though I'll wake up feeling like crap since it's already midnight and I still have one more episode to watch. See? Hopeless.